My childhood was awesome. Such great memories with my mom, who created games for the two of us to play. I had no blood siblings, but I had dear relatives and a lot of friends. When I was in fourth grade, we moved from Baton Rouge to Alexandria. I was not happy about leaving my Aunt Anomie and Maw-Maw.
Around 15 years old, I learned that a friend had killed himself. I was out of school with mono and taking those meds, then I started other drugs as I lay there and thought of him for six weeks. Doing drugs was not my nature.
In 1988, I started college, During this time, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. To deal with the associated pain, I began to drink, smoke pot and drop acid, as well as use prescribed narcotics. I felt that I was a medical burden, so I began cutting my arms as a distraction from all the pain. I then told myself that ecstasy would reset my brain, and so I started using it.
In 2003, I graduated college, my RA was in remission, I lived with my aunt, and I was attending nursing school. But Aunt Monies was getting real sick, and suicidal thoughts ran through my head. I decided to drink instead of commit suicide.
Ambien helped, but my tolerance built up quickly. I took more of it, and my future nursing career abruptly ended. A geographical change was in order, so I moved back to Baton Rouge with my parents.
I then met Eric. I was so happy to have a man who had all his shit together. About the same time, mom was diagnosed with breast cancer (I didn’t flinch) and shortly after, my dad was diagnosed with AFib.
Soon afterward, received a text that a family friend had shot himself. I FREAKED OUT.
I was drinking more alcohol, more often, now. I had to drink to calm my nerves and still the shakes. Two weeks later, I totaled my car. I knew that mom and dad would die next and started having panic attacks. I couldn’t keep solid food down, so I was prescribed Xanax. I was a MESS.
Three weeks later Eric left me.
Then, I met a man named Glen. On Thanksgiving 2012, he asked my father for my hand. We married in 2013.
I started working for the state, and fell. The doctor prescribed Lortab, so for the first time, I was drinking and taking pills at the same time.
A string of other things happened to add to my self-destruction due to my bad habits and disease/addiction.
Mom’s cancer spread to her lungs by the holidays. She had asked me to help her with her cards, etc., but my entire body hurt. She offered me one of her oxycodone pain pills, I refused them, called my doctor, and got my own.
Mom started Hospice on March 17, 2014. She died on March 28 and it was a relief. I took the pain pills and got drunk at the wake and funeral for her.
My husband asked me to go to a recovery center. I finished the center’s program in 2015. I didn’t drink and I attended meetings, but Norco and Kratom were my “friends.” I then began to drink after work everyday, then quit for a few weeks, then begin again. I completely quit everything in July 2016.
My husband divorced me in November 2017.
I found a job working at the state Capitol in early 2018. I found a great apartment within walking distance; my new neighbors were so helpful and friendly. It seemed the promises were coming true!!! Fear of people and of financial insecurity had left me. I had a new freedom and happiness.
My entire attitude and outlook towards life has changed. I love where I live, my new job and my recovery.